Something About Change

I have always been a high-achieving male. When I enter a room, I enter with an air of confidence. Because I pay attention to everything, I analyze with the best of them, my humor is top-notch, and I have a distinct voice that people can’t ignore. 

If you know me, you’re probably thinking I can see that. But all those things made me a horrible husband and father. See, I reserved all those qualities for the outside world—the place that I understood but also a place that barely understood me. 

When I would enter my home, I would need to unload the world’s weight off my shoulders to function the next day. That confidence would become I am the man of the house because I provide. My attention to detail would turn to everything my wife and children did that I disliked. I would still analyze my whole day to the tiniest of details, and if I felt like I got something wrong, it would bother me to the point where I couldn’t be present for my family. The public got my humor; my family received all my unrepressed frustrations. That distinct voice is very different when I’m upset and yelling. 

Think of it from a woman’s perspective. She’s partnered with this fantastic man, and all people can think of is how lucky she has to be. He could still check off additional boxes; he gives her the lifestyle she wants, appears to be the perfect partner in public, and gives her a lifestyle she appreciates. But, her loneliest moment is sleeping next to a man that is damn near a stranger.

While the world thinks the best of her man, she can only think of how exhausted she is. Fellas, I’m telling you, this is your woman if her sex drive becomes depleted. The truth is while you’re just missing that sexy time, she’s missing emotional connection, she’s missing intimacy (those flirty things that put a smile on her face), she’s missing feeling treated like a valuable partner instead of a trusted sidekick (Even Robin got tired of Batman’s shit).

I am here to let you know, fellas, no matter how long this has been going on, if that woman is still by your side, you can fix it. I know you might be tired and think I don’t have the energy to give any more effort, but I am here to call bullshit. 

Start small; it might be as simple as washing a few more dishes or loading and unloading the dishwasher, making her a meal, and letting her have some extra time in the comfort of her home. Play some games with the children. Be the guard while she naps or takes a long hot bath, and let them know for the next hour that every issue comes to me, not your mother.

It’s complimenting and letting her know the little things you appreciate but never speak about. It’s learning how to massage her body to relax her, not because you think that shitty two-minute massage is foreplay. It’s listening to her about her day, even if it seems insignificant to yours; it’s the life she lives to support yours, making it everything to her.

As a high-achieving male, I told myself my sacrifices were for my children. But what’s the purpose if they don’t see the best side of their father? Always reserve the best version of you for them. I guarantee you that will be your greatest reward in life. If you build a proper relationship with them when they’re young, you won’t have to worry about repairing that relationship when they’re older. 

As I grow older, I notice that there is just something about change that I can’t ignore. I can’t go back and change my actions, but I can help somebody not make the mistakes I made. I promise you to start with some minor changes that will make a big difference. I’m still a work in progress; I’m still working at giving the ones I love the best version of myself instead of giving them what’s left.

If you’re a guy reading this, I dare you to give it to your partner and see if the person she fell in love with is the same in public and private.